


The Strength of Fear

by diabolikfandom



Category: Diabolik Lovers
Genre: F/M, Fanfiction, Vampires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2018-11-30 22:09:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11472666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diabolikfandom/pseuds/diabolikfandom
Summary: Yuki Himura managed escaping the Sakamakis' mansion two years ago. Her time spent with the vampires changed her, she will never return to a normal life again. When she recognizes one of the vampires one night, after two years, she is sent back to the mansion as a sacrificial bride. The torture, pain, and sensuality are ready to corrupt her again and she now has to find a way to escape once more. But the memories are strong, too strong and trying to flee means she has to use the same methods as earlier in her life. Darkness can be found in the most surprising of places.





	1. Two years

The rain poured down over the city. The air had turned thick and I found it almost hard to breathe. Still, I kept a steady and dynamic rhythm to get home. The cars and lights were all feebly reflected on the cemented road, covered by this veil of rain that acted as a mirror of the surface.

My cold wet hands reached for the keys in my bag, and as my fingertips traced hastily their way around the familiar shape of my keys, I quickly pulled them out and managed to open the door of the apartment. I only had to walk up a couple of floors to get to my actual door. It was an old building, but that was all I had the possibility to afford for now. The smell of old and dirt almost radiated through the walls. Each stair creaked when confronted by the pressure of my weight and though this place definitely had room for improvement and tidiness, it was all better than previous places I had experienced.

_Way better._

I was finally home. Shutting the door behind me, I dropped the bags of food on the “counter” of my kitchen, which was only a small table ; well actually, the only space where I could put my things down. Moving over to the window, I drew the curtains to gain the least bit of intimacy before removing both shoes and clothes. The cold nudity immediately created goosebumps on my skin while I dried my hair with a simple white towel, avoiding any further drops to invite the humidity into this old flat.

There was, on the chair next to the wall, underwear, a pair of dark black jeans and a white blouse that I proceeded in putting on. It felt good. Warm dry clothes felt extremely good ; I could not neglect that precious feeling ever again.

It took me a while to finish dinner. It must have been around 10 pm, but I didn’t have to work for another two days at the library. It was my weekend of rest now. I quickly did the dishes, the radio softly played some background jazz music to which I naturally hummed along to. Though, it happened again. Out of habit, I did it again, I quickly blocked the sound from escaping my mouth. God how I hated this.

_Thought I was over this. For fuck’s sake._

I supposed that the purple haired boy’s face would always pop up into my mind whenever I’d try to sing ever again. My eyes went over the counter, looking at the bottle of red wine and the wrapped tobacco. It was night time, on a friday, a moment when memories decided to play with my nerves. It was very tempting.

I poured myself a glass, and sitting by the window where I drew the curtains aside again, I picked a filter for my cigarette. I placed it in my mouth, while my hands searched for the rolling paper and the tobacco in my pouch. I formed the brown dry substance against the paper, slowly inserting the filter before rolling my cigarette. It all aligned smoothly due to habit, and licking the extremity of the paper I was ready to lit it.

With a flick of my lighter, the flame burned into the air, as if waiting to consume a foreign thing. The end of my cigarette turned red, ready to be smoked. Time passed quickly with a bit of wine in my system, and I definitely needed this if memories decided to be assholes tonight. Pushing away thoughts and feelings never worked. Using something like alcohol was a great to make the pain a bit softer.

Now was the time when I would discuss existentialism with myself. I had worked enough at the library, read enough of Albert Camus in my life to have a debate on the value of a lifetime with myself. Fairly, anyone could do it. I had already tried with others, but I indeed realized that having read several books by the expert of existentialism definitely helped to go further, deeper into the subject.

The problem was not this life. It was what to do about it. The past always managed to creep down my back, get ahold of me, wanting to drag me down to that hellhole of darkness again. How I hated memories. I only had to close my eyes to see those six murderers, their vicious eyes, and beautifully pale skin. They were all handsome. But the terror that emanated from them was way past all that beauty.

_Today, it’s been two years._

Two years since I got away from that hell. Two years since I survived and escaped from the Sakamakis. I definitely would need a refill if I was to go through what had happened during my time with these boys, and the two years after. I drew in the smoke of the cigarette, inhaling and letting the toxic substance warm my lungs, before letting the chemical cloud run out of my mouth.

_Fairly, it was all because of them. The parents. Had I not been sent to that church…_

But truthfully, how could they have been aware of my sacrifice to a bunch of horny vampires? That, however, did not excuse my parents’ disappearance after I escaped. Ah, the number of times I had tried calling them on a line that didn’t even work, on a phone that didn’t even work in that deadly luxurious mansion. I had no idea if reminiscing these events was truthfully a good idea. But now, there was nothing to do. Like water running against one’s palm, it’s impossible to stop it, gather it all in your hand without having some overflow.

I only had to feel now. The memories were all bursts of emotions. And now I felt it all. The way with which I started running for help, for our father, for God, for an upper force. I had simply been instructed to deliver a few things to one of the major donors of the church. The Sakamakis…everyone knew about them, at least of Tougo Sakamaki, strong political influence. Of course I’d been excited about it, strongly impatient to meet one of the most generous people to probably even exist.

In the end, it was something entirely different. Hungry eyes, bloody fangs, suggestive words and approaches, and a hell lot of pain. Literally. Thinking about it now, remembering it all, I almost felt it against my skin, the slender hands, often confused with knives, whips, chains. And though I was definitely in security here (I  _had_  to be, considering the amount of steps and procedures I took after escaping their mansion), I could not help but sense the darkness, the shadows gripping me, surrounding me like air.

There was enough wine running through my body for now. I smoked the end of my cigarette, crushing it against a small ornamented ashtray in front of me. The smoke rose up in the air, only to slowly fade away. Slowly, oh so slowly.


	2. Familiar Face

_ Bitch-chan...ah Bitch-chan, when you run away...it only makes me want to play with you even more! Hey...why aren’t you listening...my compliments, don’t you like them? Don’t you like it when I play with your hair, pinning you against the wall this way, and my hands on your most delicate places? I’d really enjoy it if you touched me too, I’m the only one making efforts here. Ah, but if that is the sacrifice for that frightened face of yours, I don’t mind doing most of the work. Bitch-chan, look at me. Oi...I said look at me. Should I rip your throat out instead?  _

The shock teared me out of my sleep, obliging my eyes to open and my lungs to crave for more air than necessary. The sweat felt sticky between my back and the sheets of my bed. I sat up, my legs sliding down the mattress while I observed the window on the side of my bed, which I was now directly facing. The weather looked nice enough in comparison to yesterday’s rain, but when noticing the light coming into straight lines on the wooden floor of my apartment, I realized quite a big part of the day must have passed already. 

“Time...time time…” I whispered to myself, looking for my watch or my phone. As I moved, the headache surged out of nowhere, reminding me of the empty bottles of wine shamefully standing in the kitchen. I took a quick look at my phone that indicated around 3pm, only to move over to the bathroom. The water hugged every part of me, removing the sweat due to that previous dream and that horrid face. That horrifyingly seductive face.

I wondered if there would be a time when I would stop dreaming of them. Laito was definitely a nightmare to dream of. The chills would subconsciously run through me, something that felt intense while in a state of fragility...I believed it was extremely dangerous. 

_ Having to remember their faces, even after all that time...I guess it’s only natural.  _

My assumption was that this only proved how strong they really were. They, after two years, still had the power to reach me, without even being physically there. I got out of the shower when sensing that the water became uncomfortable, not warm enough. The clothes of yesterday smelt of smoke, I wanted to feel fresh today, though I presumably wasted a great productive part of it already.

I picked a pair of jeans and a thick sweater now that the temperature was cold enough. Winter was definitely on its way. As I finished getting ready, I only took the book on my bed, and put it in my bag before heading out. The nights came early during those cold times, the sun was weaker by the second, signaling that I should clearly stop wasting my mornings sleeping away the alcohol in my system. 

Outside, the world was quite funny, strange. The major streets were filled with people, tourists, big lights and announcements ; everyone knew of the biggest shopping mall around town, the best restaurant that only served meals with prices of three digits each. And still, how much better it felt to explore the small streets, the streets of whispers and silence. 

I had to walk through a huge mass of people to get to this little street where they served the best coffee in existence. The warmth of the coffee shop had the ability to remove all apprehension and anxiety, something that I needed more than anything else. The place was warm in everything ; color, temperature, personality. I stood in front of the counter where old lady Azumi-san prepared coffee for the nearest table. Her big smile and tired eyes, a sight that only brought calm to the surface. Serenity. Peace.

“Yuki-chan, hello dear, how are you doing today?” Azumi said while our eyes met softly, always so softly. Her eyes were proof of experience, tough ones, but a certain maturity and acceptance. She was quiet in comparison to the thoughts she concealed. 

“Doing good. I think I’ll have a double espresso, as usual” I replied. Her hand reached mine over the counter, as if she intended to pause time, break the course of the present while only letting her hand touch the tips of my fingers so delicately. 

“Are you troubled, dear child? Your eyes, they look like they’re suffering from fatigue” She said. God, how sweet she was. Sometimes, it indeed came to mind, to tell her everything, my experiences, where I had been. But I told no one. Too risky. If ever my name was mentioned, even into the air, it could as if flow all the way back to the mansion, and I swear those vampires would ruin it all. Everything I had built. I had taken care of it, making sure that nothing could happen to me again. It was impossible. 

“I had a bit of drinking yesterday, I needed a break from everything. But I’m good, I mean I will be once I drink that delicious coffee you make.” 

She smiled and turned to the coffee beans. In the meantime I picked a seat by the large window glass, and immersed myself in my book. Along with the hot coffee, the letters of this book that formed a concept on their own, I was allowed moments of preposterous relief and calm. 

There was this insane feeling whenever I lost myself quite literally in a story. I could forget about time. The notion of time, seconds and hours it all faded to the background of my existence. It was only the fiction and imagination that mattered. Losing yourself to another life, the ability to disappear. At that moment, you do not exist. Only you and what you see, read, create in the depth of your mind. 

Thus, I forgot to even look through the window to notice that darkness already rose in the air, during the few hours I spent here. I stood up on my feet, grateful for the feeling of stretching out the muscles in my body. Letting my eyes analyse the room, I came to the awareness that, quite as usual, I was the only one left. Azumi was cleaning up the counter and plates. I left my coffee cup to her and waved her goodbye. As I was about to leave and shut the door behind me, her voice reached out, making me turn around to face her. 

“Yuki-chan, you know you can talk to me, you know that right?” I did not really know how to reply to this. But Azumi must have seen the look on my face, for she approached and took my hand again. “You have been coming here for the past...two years almost? And I can’t help but want to understand those who come here to drink a cup of coffee. I see those with friends, lovers, those who work hard, those who only need to hide from the rain. But you, Yuki-chan, you always sit alone by that window, reading. And I don’t mind it at all, I think you are very peaceful and calm in your way. But there is this something about you, your eyes. When I said you looked troubled earlier on, I meant it.” 

Azumi-chan let go of my hand, taking notice of my expression. It must have been the mixture of being surprised, hurt and confused. I had no words to say. Words had penetrated my mind throughout the day, line by line, page by page, and still, I could barely remember my own name at that moment. 

“Thank you, Azumi-chan. I have to go. I’ll see you soon.” 

_ Too painful. Too close to the truth.  _

I left quite hastily in need of air. The streets were empty now. There was a couple ahead walking hand in hand. My heart was beating hard, like a hammer. It wasn’t that the words were forgotten, it was about not being able to speak. Oh, the number of times I wanted to scream out what had happened, that they were real. Vampires were real. But what good would it do? The satisfaction of a few seconds, only to be either sent to a psychiatric ward, or to have my neck snapped by Reij-

_ I don’t even want to say his name.  _

I moved on. The sound of my shoes clicked against the stone pavement. The moon vas visible, a weak pale light shining over me and I started heading home. I walked, never ceasing my steps and found the comfort of a rhythm to which I could think. I passed by another street, But on my left however, something ambiguous was definitely going on. In the first few seconds, I only saw, from the corner of my eye, dark moving shapes, the shapes of two people They were standing in that tiny street, invisible to others. I would not have noticed them at all had I simply turned my head at the wrong moment. Then I heard it. 

_ A girl. _

After I had run away, one of the first few things I had learnt about was self defense in a class that was mainly composed of women having been through sexual harassment. It would not be the first time I participated in a scene like this. 

“P-please, I don’t want this” The young woman said, her voice proof of fear and anguish. Her actual words were the only thing I needed to know that this wasn’t just a nice conversation between friends. I hurriedly turned left, running to the young lady. There were no lights in that street, only the moonlight that illuminated the girl’s face. The aggressor was hidden, but from what I could see when running to help, he was tall. The girl was blonde, her beautiful curly hair complimented those rose-colored eyes. She was frail, looked fragile and terrified. Pressed against the wall, she had her hands defensively presented in front of her. Whoever was facing her moved closer. 

Yet, my heart skipped an immense beat. the shot of adrenaline that immediately ran through every fiber of my being made me shiver inside out. What I recognized as red hair and a particular fedora made me freeze. My muscles blocked. I couldn’t move. 

_ No..no...not him...Laito... _

Laito’s eyes creeped out of the shadows, emerald eyes that I could have recognized anywhere. It wasn’t too late. Him and the girl didn’t see me. I could still run. I had to run!

Those possibilities were crushed, demolished one by one. The eye contact that I had not experienced in two years slowly came again. He was staring at me. Laito was standing in front of me. I saw his eyes slowly observing me as if from the interior and out, the way they twitched, as if unsure of whom they were really staring at. And then, there was that smile. I saw the way his lips moved to shape the words he pronounced. Time seemed to slow down when realizing that after those two years, I was now facing a vampire again. 

_ “Hm...Wait, isn’t that Bitch-chan!” _


	3. Where You Belong

“Hm…Wait, isn’t that Bitch-chan!”

That one and only voice. That joyful and -overly excited to be true- sort of tone. My feet were stuck against the stone pavement and unable to move, I felt my eyes open wide as if trying to physically be certain of whom was standing in front of me. The shivers were alive, like icy insects crawling underneath my skin. The blonde girl was shaking. She looked cold, but the terror was the one making her body behave with such stress and anguish.

I spent two years, two years of my life running from that hell, from these brothers. I had moved, changed address, bank accounts, cell phone, number, anything at all. I preserved my name, knowing very well that many of these vampires had retained an unwanted nickname instead of what qualified me, distinguished me as a living being.

I kept secrets, I did not tell anyone at all, not the police, not the few recognizable faces of my quotidian, in order to be safe. I sacrificed two years of my life, knowing very well that after such traumatic events spent at what looked like a fine and presentable mansion, I could never return to a normal life.

And now, what was considered as a pure coincidence and hazard, guaranteed me to be in the most dangerous position of my existence. I was no longer safe.

_He just saw me. He recognized me. It’s really him. They’ll want to kill me for escaping!_

“I-it can’t be…Y-you…” The words only failed to function. They did not have meaning, it was only the conveying of my bitter confusion. I saw then, Laito’s smile that only grew with each second. He was entertained.

“Bitch-chan, it’s been a while! I can’t believe you actually left us, we were all so…so sad. Even Shuu got a bit angry here and there~ Ah, isn’t that right Bitch-chan?” The vampire said, looking over at the blonde girl. He turned back immediately, looking very bothered. “Ah, this must be confusing for the two of you, you two are my Bitch-chans afterall, so let’s say that there is the first Bitch-chan” he pointed in my direction, then let his finger turn back to the girl :”then the second Bitch-chan. Ah, Shuu was very angry with the replacement of Bitch-chan number 1, he even started hurting Bitch-chan number 2 quite badly, but now that you’re back…”

“No!” I exclaimed, out of sheer instinct. Laito paused, looking again, overly dramatic in his look of surprise. “I…I’m not…going back, never… never again!”

The blonde was in complete confusion. Her eyes turned back and forth between us, as if unaware of whom to help. The consequences for her, I imagined, were inevitable.

“Not going back?” Laito’s voice did that fascinating, as much as terrifying thing. It dropped down of an octave, immediately reflecting the seriousness of his words. “Bitch-chan, I still really want to ask you about how you escaped that one night, though I have a small idea in mind, but do you actually believe I’ll let you go again?”

In the blink of an eye the male who was a few feet away from me appeared right in front of my eyes, the same cold aura I thought I’d never sense again reached out to me and the same pale hands took ahold of my neck, feeling I thought would be long gone.

The vampire constricted me in his grip, so tightly that I thought his intention was to lacerate my skin. I cried out what was left of air in my throat, screaming and begging for help. Pride was no longer valid, though part of it had surely allowed me to stay alive during my time with the vampires ; but still, if I could beg for mercy or for anyone’s help, I’d scream at the top of my lungs, quite literally.

“Bitch-chaaan… Crying out won’t help, though you surely remember how to turn on a vampire. I guess this moment must have been one of your deepest fantasies after you left…right?”

I forgot the sensation of being so extremely close to death. Both due to the hand that slowly pressured my neck to snap with each second that ticked away, and the fact that I, a human, was facing an immortal creature that fed on mortals like me.

_If this is it…only one more thing to do._

“R-….r” I tried crying out the word, the one word, but it appeared way more difficult than imagined. Still, I had to. It was my obligation. “Ru…Run! Hur…H-Hurry up and run!” I cried out again, looking behind at the pale girl who stood there, without a murderous vampire around her. Laito was trying to crush me, and she was too shocked to notice how this was a new opportunity for her.

She woke up from that state of horror and under the intensity of the events, the girl cried in fear and fell to the ground, only to stand up and run away.

_Please let her escape…please let her be safe._

Laito looked back, he sighed and let go of my neck. I directly lost control of my limbs and fell down to my feet. “Ah…Bitch-chan, look at the trouble you’re causing, now I lost my second Bitch-chan too.” He breathed out as if exhausted and mentally tired, though quickly shot me a glance and let that smirk visible to my eyes. His arms smoothly went around my back, my face was thus pressed against his chest ; a toxic motion. Pure poison. He pulled me up again.

The gentle actions were always the most dangerous ones. It had not changed. Softly playing with my body only to viciously attack me the next. I wondered, how long had that girl been through the same torture. In the end, we were all replacements for the others, sacrificial bride after sacrificial bride. The lack of compassion was appalling.

“Don’t touch me!” My voice was shaking, the authority I hoped to have only ended up like a weak plea. Laito chuckled, his hand caressed my cheek with tenderness, so frightening. He had that ability, to always get too close.

“Ah, but I’ll have to admit Bitch-chan, she’s definitely not as entertaining as you. She’s too…predictable nfu~ I missed that courage and determination of yours…” His lips brushed past my brown hair and collided on my ear, “ _I really missed you_ ”.

I could have thrown up from that comment, but I avoided doing just that. Instead, I did the one thing I learnt during that class against sexual harassment. I fought back. I would avoid doing what had crossed my mind so many times two years earlier, which was resignation. In one instance of fervor, I yanked his arm away, pushed him off, fast enough for him to look quite surprised.

_Maybe things have changed, maybe there’s still hope._

I ran. Like never before…almost. I ran like two years ago, which meant not even feeling your steps against the ground in such vivacity, ignoring the pounding beat in your chest. I ran for dear life. I turned around each corner, each street, surprised that I could’ve gotten this far. I went in between the chairs of the terrace belonging to that luxurious restaurant famous in town, just in case it could stop the vampire for one more second.

_If I can only run fast enough to get home and call the cops…He’ll compel them, but it’ll buy me enough time to disappear again. I have what I need to protect myself in the meantime._

I raced through the streets of this town, aware that my panting was probably what made the most noise now at night time. I struggled to find the right key and as soon as I reached the door of the building, I shut it close behind me, almost jumping my way from floor to floor to reach my apartment. My hands went to my pocket to reach my phone. I dialed the police.

_Hurry up answer!_

But when my hands touched the doorknob of my flat, I saw something else. In the corner of my eye, I took notice of blond hair. Pink eyes. That other girl, how could she be here? She managed to run all the way here!

_Tougher than she looks._

“Y-you’re alive!” I shouted out. “How did you come up here?! No, we don’t have time for explanations ,we need to run! I’m calling the police, you need to hide inside before Laito comes, he’ll take us back to that damned mansion!” The anxiety was clearly getting the most of me, but I could not have cared less right about now. However, what I did notice was the silence of the girl, her lack of determination or anticipation. She started talking, feeble words.

“I…I’m sorry, I…couldn’t run fast enough, he…he found me first!” I wondered at that point how stupid I could have been. Her lack of determination wasn’t due to some foreign way of dealing with fear. She was already trapped.

Laito was already up here.

“Ara…Bitch-chan, I never thought you’d manage to run this far, you’ve gotten stronger! Is this where you live? How amusing of you to choose a place like this when you’ve seen the luxury of our mansion” Laito said, a teasing and naturally annoying voice. I had no time to focus on his words, I needed a plan, in less than a minute I had to figure out a way to escape.

_We need help. If the police comes I can only wait with that girl._

He was walking up the stairs, from this angle, I saw the tip of his fedora as he approached step by step. I snatched the blonde girl’s wrist, and brought her inside the apartment before slamming the door shut. Barricading the place with chairs and other furniture, I desperately tried thinking of somewhere we could possibly hide.

“Take my phone, call for help as fast as you can, I need to buy us time!” I said, throwing my phone into her hands. She was trembling but did not go against my words. Though scared, she must have had a part of her willing to fight back and escape from them.

The vampire’s strength should have been anticipated. The facility with which he simply pushed a bit against the door managed to let all the furniture blocking the entrance fall down. I shrieked before almost throwing myself at the door. It was Laito’s strength against mine. The girl was crying in fear while begging for help through the phone.

_They’ll never be here in time._

“Enough playing, Bitch-chan…open the door before I break it down myself~” Laito had already broken the lock on the door, it was as good as a thin piece of wood standing between us. I saw, from the small opening of the door, the green of his eyes, bright in anticipation and amusement.

“…I’m not going back! I’m never going back there!” I screamed, using the remnants of my strength to shut the door close. Yet, it was when sensing the outstanding force pressured against me that I realized how futile it all was. He was in. The door opened. And only when I heard his light chuckle so close to my face did I feel the impossibility to breathe. The whole scenery spinned upside down and weakness took ahold of me. He must have hit me somewhere, I felt like throwing up and passing out simultaneously.

“It’s enough now, Bitch-chan, you’ve had your moment of freedom.  _Now, it’s time to go back to where you belong._ ”


	4. Defiance

_ To run away from immortal creatures that are older, faster, stronger, there aren’t many solutions left. You need to do what it takes to survive, and that often requires more than you think you could possibly take in the first place. Eventually it’s not so much about facing a vampire, it’s about facing yourself. Who am I? What am I about to do? Am I strong enough to do this? _

_ You need to outrun yourself. Because there will come a time when you will face a dilemma, and you’ll have to choose between two paths. Reason or Passion. While historical events have rarely been marked by reason only, people also often tend to mistake passion for what is loved, cared for. Passion can also be filled of rage, hatred, anything that deals with such intensity that it only becomes, truly, passionate.  _

 

Where could I have been when waking up from the soft veil of unconsciousness? My limbs felt numb and the surrounding darkness did not allow to stimulate my sight and energy. Only when I saw the flickering light of a burning candle on the wall on my right did I suddenly feel a pulse in my chest, forcing me to sit up straight. 

_ That sort of light...that candle, that wall… _

I could not have been mistaken. This was the Sakamakis’ living room. The couch on which I had been sleeping was familiar, that red velvet, the scent of the wood. I was back. And surprisingly, the panic did not burst out of me, as I supposedly thought it would. Instead, there was a sort of transition between the actual shock of being here. My heartbeat was far from steady, but it wasn’t startling if the fear denied me from immediately trying to find a way out again. 

Instead, I took a look around and, surprised to see that the blonde girl wasn’t here, I stopped at the door that squeezed itself open.  _ Now _ my heart was definitely pounding. 

The one entering was obviously a familiar face. One I wished never to see again, whose authority was never to be defied. With his rectangular glasses, that dark hair, and the very strict looking posture, of course this was Reiji. He advanced, physically forcing me up to my feet. I was too nervous to be comfortably sitting if he was to be around. He stood in front of me, looking right into my eyes. Those orbs were almost burning, and through them I saw the reflection of past trauma, past events we had shared that I could rarely think of. The pain was just...too vivid. And finally, he spoke.

“Your room has been prepared for you, now that it seems you’ve come back to us. Laito told me you were quite difficult to manage,  _ again.  _ I suppose we will have to go through some severe training once more, till you submit into full obedience.” He was barely looking at me, instead, picking on his glasses, he pushed them properly on his nose and sat down on another luxurious armchair. It was as if I had only be gone a few days. He was indifferent.

_ Fuck no. _

“I’m not staying.” I said. Defying him was bad, but letting him or myself convinced that this was a legitimate stay, was unacceptable. I was to leave. As soon as possible. 

Reiji, however, glanced up at me, letting his fingers intertwine in front of him. This was all too familiar of a sight. His gloves, his demeanour, my anguish. 

“You, are still alive. Until  _ your  _ death, which  _ we  _ will decide of, you remain a sacrificial bride. I do not believe it has ever been your choice. I guess Laito was right about you. You’ve become, irritatingly presumptuous.”

If I was irritating, then Reiji made me want to rip his head off to shreds at times. I despised being controlled, it was a state that had become natural two years ago, and that I had promised never to return to. Well, except at times. But raising my voice was the one thing I wanted to do, and the one thing I should not have done. 

“I escaped once, I’ll do it again. No matter what you think of me.” Reiji’s eyebrows twitched in certain irritation of my misconduct, and the way he stood up and hastily grabbed my jaw made me yelp in consternation. His voice was low, raspy, like a lion needy of roaring. 

“Do you not remember what I told you on the night you arrived here? Do I need to remind you?” He exclaimed. The vampire’s grip was painfully tight on my jaw and chin. His breath heavy against mine. “That if you tried to run away, you were as good as dead. Now, you should consider yourself grateful that your replacement has not amused my brothers more than this, for I could be very much tempted to rip out your vocal chords and leave you to an absolute state of mortality.” 

I let out a feeble cry, wanting to push him away as far as possible. Those threats were dangerous because they were not to be taken lightly. I knew well of it. He removed his hand, letting me distance myself as far as my heart desired. Reiji replaced his glove properly and as neatly as a minute ago. 

“W...what about her, that other girl? What’s going to happen to her?” I was afraid to talk, to ask. It felt as if I was walking on a minefield, talking to the vampires. What annoyed them, bothered them or not, it was risky all along. Reiji looked at me sternly,  quite exasperated. 

“You will see soon enough” He said, standing up. The vampire breathed in calmly and took a few steps near the door. “Come with me.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally!!! Sorry for making you all wait, but the fourth chapter is finally here! It's quite a short chapter, but way more is to come! feedback is always wanted ^^


	5. A choice

Reiji led me through the hallways. It was more or less similar to a tour of past memories. Flashes of the blood smeared across the walls, of antique jars and amphoras crushed and broken echoing back and forth. I remembered every attempt of mine to escape, step by step. 

But the worry wasn’t so much about what I had done under this roof ; it was especially the awareness that the vampire in front of me was taking me to one specific place.A place that represented the frenzy of my nightmares and the paroxysm of my agony. That place radiated of a certain fright, almost like a physical cloud of darkness of which the origin was found  _ there.  _ The dungeon. 

The stairs led us underground and I was taken aback by the fact that still, Reiji’s brothers were nowhere to be seen. 

_ Thank God.  _

Should I’ve truly been thankful? Being with Reiji, heading towards the dungeon, none of it was safe.

“Reiji…” I said, trying out his name. As expected the vampire kept walking, not giving any more thought or value to my voice. Which is why I stopped walking. I stopped, knowing that either the male would not be hearing my heartbeat so close to him, or the sound of my ceasing steps, or the smell of blood. Eventually, he took another step forward then turned around. Only when he laid eyes on me did I feel obliged to talk. To have a proper reason for interrupting him in his walk.  “Why are you taking me to the dungeon?” 

There must have been the silence of a few seconds. A silence that Reiji used, I knew it, to intimidate me. I was used to that game. I knew that earlier on, I would have asked him that same question twice, moved and fiddled with my hands as a way to cope with such pressuring silence. That was exactly what the vampire wanted to see. How much of an effect he had on me. Yet, it was to be different this time. I did not break the eye contact. I did not move, I did not gulp nor blink. 

“Were you not worried about our sacrificial bride? I believe I told you that you were to see her soon enough” Reiji said. The mere sound of his voice broke that suffocating silence. My heart would have slammed its way out of my chest had the quiet of the room lasted another second. There was also the comfort of knowing that going to the dungeon was not for the sole and unique purpose of my pain. Though the realization that they had put that girl in that humid dungeon, where the cold of winter was gradually presenting itself day by day, was enough to make me fear for her life. 

The stone staircase leading down to that prison. 

Here, the way was a bit more difficult to the senses and the still fresh memories. The smell was recognizable from miles away, the humidity was in the air I breathed and the sound of echoes, probably rats and strong wind were just...daunting. It was like a fresh cut that almost stopped bleeding, but due to these profusions of senses, it would open up again, and never heal. We were walking in the main alley of the dungeon. On my left as well as on my right, human cages, remnants of splattered blood that had turned dark brown, if not entirely black with time. 

_ What am I doing, I swore never to come back to this place, especially not the dungeon.  _

The sound of a heavy breath caught my attention right away, and with more diligence this time, I could hear the clicking sound of chains. All too familiar. 

We stopped, both Reiji and I, in front of the nearest cage to the right. In front of us, the cell that imprisoned the sacrificial bride. The torch hanging against the wall behind us managed to enlighten the few feet that separated us from her. With a gust of wind, the light flashed and then came back on the shape of her suspended body, arms up in the air, attached and bleeding from the shackles that held her up. The exhaustion was evident on her physical posture as her head slumped down over and over. Her blonde hair covered partly her face. She was trying to stay awake, but I knew just by looking at her that her arms must have been aching ever since she got attached this way. 

Something vivid and needy made me run towards her, my hands holding on to the damp cell bars. I let out trembling breaths of worry and fear. There was an echo that bounced against the walls of the dungeon as soon as my hands made a violent contact with the rusty metallic bars. The girl lifted her head up with more efficiency this time and realizing only now about our presence, her eyes shot open with terror running through them. 

“Hey! Stay awake! Don’t worry you’ll be fine, I’ll help you out, I promise! Just stay strong a bit longer!” I shouted out. I wanted to tell her. For her to understand that she was not alone in this. The times I spent locked up in here, when all I wanted over anything else was the few words of support I was now pronouncing to her. Yet, Reiji’s presence near mine as he opened the door reminded me : I was here for a reason. He would not have let me in here only to help that girl out. 

“Come inside.” His voice was stern. I could already portray the anger forming inside of him from my precedent words of both encouragement to her, and of disobeying to him. Still, I went inside with much apprehension, and when I saw him fiddling with a table behind that girl, filled with torture devices and foreign objects, I rapidly made my way to her. 

I didn’t care about the look he cast away in my direction, I pretended not to look. I reached up to her cheek, whispering words of comfort. She was whimpering at the touch, as if unsure of whether I was worthy of trust or not. Looking at her arms, I could see her swollen wrists, the way the blood had stopped circulating and left traces of cold pale bruises. About to somehow loosen those shackles or at least move her hands, the male behind us stopped me from any further motion.

“Did I say you could free her from her restraints?” He asked. The girl trembled again, breath almost turning into a panicked cry. I glanced at him, not as powerful as the one he sent back. 

“No...you didn’t say anything. So tell me, what am I doing here, Reiji?” 

His lips curved themselves into a faint smile before moving forward. His covered hand went up to her cheek. The caress was ice cold, a sickening feel to it. The sound of the white glove against her cheek was smooth, and still, Reiji managed again and again, to make any kind gesture turn to evil. His hand went up to her head as he instantly yanked her by her hair. She let out a sharp cry and before I even comprehended my attempt at helping her, Reiji used his free hand to push me down to the floor. A push strong enough against my chest that I felt a raw pain against my ribcage. 

“Stop! What are you doing?!” The girl could not do anything against him, my words did not reach him. Reiji gazed down at me, such a natural state of superiority. 

“I’m giving you a choice” He said. Reiji picked from the table a knife that left a shimmer with the reflection of the light against it. He stepped back to the girl again, letting that knife slide its way from her jaw and down to her neck. “You could not possibly think I would let you come back here without making sure you’d be compliant...devoted. Which is why this will be a form of training, a test for you to pass. If not, we’ll only have to find other ways to make you obey.” 

_ Compliance...devotion….obedience. _

Those were all terms I had heard before. Those that were linked to training, a way to make sure I would stay still, not escape, shut my mouth when needed. One thing was sure, I was not fond of these sorts of exercises or training methods.

“Why...are you using her? What’s going to happen to her?” I asked, hesitantly. God how I feared his answer. The knife he had in hand was lifted up in the air, right next to the vampire’s face. With a rapid piercing sound, the knife slashed against the girl’s cheek, letting blood only ooze out of the wound a second later. I yelled out for him to stop, but my words were covered by the sound of her cry. The pain had only hit her moments later. 

“She’ll be your training. She’s compliant enough, I don’t suppose it will be too complicated” He began. Reiji picked on his glasses, almost delaying his words on purpose. “I will proceed in torturing her. You will not help, you will not try to stop me, for her punishment will only become worse. I will slice her up, let her become disfigured and horrid to the eyes, but just enough to let her live. Either you let me do it…” The vampire leaned over to my form on the floor, seizing my jaw and forcing my eyes into his. His breath was close, too close to my mouth. “Or you can stop her pain, let her be in peace, and kill her.” 


	6. What makes me human

I don’t think I could have managed adding another word, moving my bare fingertips or breathing faster than usual. I was simply, stuck. Brain and mind in shock, I did nothing but wait for time to flow its usual course. A usual course through the air of this dungeon, but for the three of us down here, this represented far more than just another night.

Reiji did not have the kindness to give me time to process the choice he had given me, he let his voice announce the beginning of this training, a training involving that blonde girl. 

_ She is to suffer because of this. Because of me.  _

“Let us begin. Repeating won’t be necessary, you heard me perfectly well the first time. Now let us see, how to start this in the most entertaining of ways…” Reiji said. I stood there, on the floor, looking at each of his movements, as if waiting for him to prove that this was not just words, that this was not just some kind of dream or hallucination. His voice was extremely different. In his words, his tone outlined a form of intensity. The vampire who had always conveyed his strict demeanor, seemed to only be a Sakamaki after all, a brother who gained pleasure from others’ pain. 

But thoughts were hastily interrupted when hearing her. The breaths that became unsure, short and shallow. Eyes wide and looking straight at the same knife that had just previously cut her cheek, she tried backing away with only her legs free of movement on the floor. 

“Hmn… please, ngh I don’t want this..!” She pleaded while the chains clicked in rhythm with her motions. The vampire, as if starting to take this situation quite seriously, removed smoothly his white gloves and put them in his pocket, letting his hand carefully run through his hair before reaching for the knife again. I heard the precise and quick sound of the knife cutting through the air. 

What I saw, was barely the glow of the blade, pearls of red in the air that landed in splatters of blood on the floor. She cried out. 

The precision with which he he had cut her exactly in the same wound must have hit her with a jolt of furious pain. Her hands grabbed on to the chains as if to focus on something else than the blood that carelessly ran across the side of her face. My eyes widened in hurried despair when seeing Reiji already lifting up the knife again, barely giving her time to breathe in between the pain. 

“What? No! Stop, she won’t handle it so soon!” I said in a pained voice. Standing up, I walked up to hold the vampire back, though I should have known ; should have remembered his previous warning. Reiji, with the transition of a split second, let the slicing sound pierce the darkness of the dungeon. What I saw as a much stronger and vivid cut made the blonde scream in a horrid voice that was barely recognizable. 

He had let the knife be drawn across the chest, and as the scarlet stained the white of her blouse, I could only notice the amount of blood that spilled in great quantity against the floor. It became evident that he had cut her right across the most sensitive spot of her right breast. 

“Did I not say she would only suffer more if you interfered?” His orbs were almost trembling in anticipation, I supposed that the flow of blood must had hit his senses. “Stay back.” 

My eyes went in her direction, her body was shaking, her chest leaking of blood. As her gaze finally reached mine, I noticed it. Dancing against the pink of her orbs, something so unnatural across her features, though I had only seen her a few times now. Reflected on her, was the trace of anger. 

_ I made her suffer more. I tried to help, and it turned into more pain for her to go through. It’s only natural for her to be pissed. _

I backed away, and she let her head fall down again. My hands were trembling, and I could only look at the scene in front of me. What was I to do? I couldn’t help, she would hurt, she would suffer. But only watching her as the male would entirely skin her alive put me in the most uncomfortable of situations. I was to look, without doing anything. My thoughts raced through my brain and the questions pounded over and over again. 

_ What am I doing? Am I willing to stand back? I am not the one to hurt and to be in chains, why should I help, as long as I survive, isn’t that right? I can’t do anything about it either way, is this my form of hypocrisy?  _

What was my goal at this point? I presumed with facility that this must have been the point of the training. Losing track of what was good and evil. But, still, what was I supposed to do? What burned into her eyes as raw and bitter resentment left me clueless and guilty of her pain. 

My limbs felt weak under the pressure of so many thoughts. I let myself slide down against the wall, mouth open and eyes stuck on the two beings in front of me. Time was as if stretching itself out, only to be compressed together again. For a while I only could hear her screams and observe the sight of a pool of blood growing on the stone pavement. I was looking down in rejection of the truth while an innocent girl was being tortured.

_ I shouldn’t move. She will hurt. She will hurt more. I just need to stay still. It’s just a test, a training. It’ll pass and she’ll survive.  _

Those were the words that entered my brain, like a mass of dark smoke submerging my thoughts. As the lies comforted me more and more, I came closer to convincing myself that I might make it through these moments of torture. Again and again, I heard the pants, the cries, savage like those of an animal. How many times did she scream? It didn’t matter. I was waiting, what felt like twenty minutes in this dungeon must have been a whole hour up there in the living room. I refused to look up, and it was okay. I would make it.

_ Yes…this is fine-  _

However, my eyes made the thankful mistake of looking up in a glimpse of hope at the girl, that I hoped to see with only the two cuts on her body. One on her cheek, one on her breast. I repeated that thought over and over.  _ One on her cheek, one on her breast. _

I would like to describe the sensation that grew in the pit of my stomach as I lifted my eyes up to look at the blonde girl. Something that felt like my whole body went numb, paralyzed and frozen in this impossibility to move, like needles of raw fear pierced into my chest as the sweat ran down my back in waves of abrupt terror. That was close to how I felt when I saw her. Because the lies, up until now were only a cover. A way to conceal painful truths. 

Reiji had made it, allowing me to lose sense of myself and lose all reason at all. While taking a look at her disfigured face, a face that slowly contorted itself in agony as Reiji played with the knife inside her mouth, while observing the way the blood ran like paint over her scalp, how she had physically become unrecognizable to the eyes if one did not pay attention to her beneath her now scarred face ; I wondered how I, as someone who had already seen this, been through a similar situation of dreadful torture, how and when could I have resigned myself to this. 

_ I can’t, it’s too much.  _

As the vampire with disgusting amusement was about to slice her mouth and cheek open from the interior, my hands on the floor pushed me to my feet.

“Wait, stop! Don’t! Stop moving!” I cried out in one single attempt of a patronizing tone.Reiji dissimulated his present satisfaction, turning back to my exasperated self. 

Maybe it was selfish of me, maybe I tried proving something to myself, maybe this was my one and only chance to survive the horrid mental training that the vampire had imposed on me. But there was a stop, a limit that barricaded the thoughts from going further in this one instant. Something that felt awfully similar to what had already been experienced in the past. The same refusal to feel, to have any possible emotion bursting out of me. I refused. 

In the meantime, while no thought, no word or meaning crossed my mind, while I emptied my body of any thinking, I let a primitive instinct take over. Because I knew, I felt that this could not go further. 

“You are well aware that I will only make it worse for her if you try to interfere. Or shall I make it clear again?” 

I did not answer to his comments. I did not look at him, give him the pleasure of attention, and did not do anything else but approach the girl. Behind her was the table, from which I slowly picked another knife, slightly rusty on the edges, but certainly sharp enough. Standing then, in front of her, I became aware of the tears, warm tears that swelled and ran down my cheeks. I was staring at the girl that was slightly taller now with her form chained up. 

My bloodshot eyes traveled in direction of her neck, and the more I looked up, the more she appeared to have been bathed in blood. It was particularly difficult, having to look at her without any physical sign of discomfort. There was after all, scars and bruises, injuries that should never have existed against one’s face, injuries that turned the most innocent looking girl into a monstrous victim. 

And as even her bleeding eye met my gaze, she could not help but let the tears flow, something that must have been excruciatingly painful too. 

“P…please” Her mouth struggled to contract itself into the desired words. To bear compassion to that girl, having to stare at her, knowing I was the cause for her physical damage put me in the most undesired of positions. “Ngh…I’m too scared, I c-couldn’t possibly look at…look at myself, not like this. I c...I can’t...please free me from this.” 

That was the only salvation left. Her one and only consent. My body trembled, reminding itself of such pain, and the tears were now overflowing. It only took a rapid second for me to plunge that rusty knife right into her. I buried my face into her chest, muffling the sound of my cry, and hiding from hers. I felt it, the sensation of holding that sharp object that slowly drove into the flesh of my victim, immersing itself with blood.

There was a small sound, like a yelp coming from her and then the shaking of her body. But eventually it stopped. The silence ensued and there was nothing else but me, supporting myself on the body of a dead girl, as well as Reiji, an immortal creature who’s entertainment was fed by murder and ache. 

What felt like seconds turning to minutes and minutes to moments made me step away from her, my cheek without a doubt covered by her blood. The raw anger that met the extremities of my heart made me slowly turn back to the Sakamaki. And I spoke, trying to avoid the mere breaking of my voice.

“I killed her. Just as you told me to. This didn’t prove anything at all. ” I said, very well aware of the resentment in my voice. I observed his every movement for a trace of humanity but the vampire’s eyes were as fierce as they were bright. 

“Oh but this  _ did  _ prove something. Your obedience was proved after  _ some _ time at least. You wiped away your humanity, your reason of good to comply to our words. Killing another human, is quite diabolical after all. The test is done.”

 


	7. Violence

I had been  _ authorized _ to leave the dungeon after Reiji took notice of how scurrilous and vulgar I looked, as if it had been  _ just my fault _ . I was to leave, to shower and remove all sign of dirt, of blood, to look as spotless as one of his precious cups of tea. 

There was a numbness that slowly took over me, if not a form of carelessness, presumably as a result of immediate shock. Instead of directly reminiscing the look of the blonde girl, the way with which she had become truly horrifying to the eyes after Reiji had treated her, what I thought of was an article I had seen a week ago in a magazine. 

 

_ “violence : noun. behavior involving physical force intended to hurt damage, or kill // also : unjust or unwarranted exertion of force or power, as against rights or laws.  _

_ Have you ever killed someone? My eyes can already see you frowning, answering under the spell of the negative form, or criticizing my talents as a journalist and author.  _

_ Well, let me rephrase. Have you ever hurt someone? Intentionally? Many of you will presumably stop smiling in satisfaction of your innocence, remembering the one memory of your childhood when you hit your smaller brother, slapped that annoying girl in school or made your friend cry with your sharp words. If none of those concern you, if you feel entirely innocent, then congratulations, you must fit the criterias of the perfect citizen.  _

_ But I will rather focus on those who indeed have used violence. It might have been in a situation of sheer defense, where words were ineffective, but it remains important to remember that sensation, when you purposely slapped, scratched, punched or hit your victim. Yes, that person was your victim. You hurt her, behaved with the intention to damage. _

_ How did it feel? What did you feel? Immediate regret, fear, maybe satisfaction in the absolute case. Well, I have hurt someone. I remember slapping that boy in primary school, who told me I looked like a man due to my appearance, and as a child maybe that helped me to develop as an author, maybe not. But what it did was create plain confusion inside. For, though I did feel guilt, there was also an immense sense of superiority just in that short instant. A state of supremacy over the one that had been so extremely arrogant in judging my appearance.  _

_ I won’t encourage violence, obviously not. But I do believe that the sensation and gain of confidence over such a raw action really is worth remembering, to say the least. Another example would be when…” _

 

I don’t know why, in such a moment I remembered that European writer that I had seen in a magazine. As I was still in the dungeon, trying to find my way out and listening to my feet clicking against the pavement of the floor, I could only realize how that article became incredibly contradictory to my eyes. I had not only hurt that girl (which was unintentional, as helping her turned out to be a way for Reiji to hurt her more), but also killed her, thus being the reason for her to take her last breath so early in age. 

And still, I was fully conscious when deciding to rip out the life from her body,  _ I  _  decided to plunge that knife into her. It was not a situation of “sheer defense”, it was not a sensation of supremacy or superiority that I gained from it, because in the end, I killed her as a way to somehow cope with myself. Because there was guilt. 

Since my actions resulted in her pain, maybe I had simply killed her to obtain forgiveness. I definitely did not feel a burst of confidence from the action of boring a metallic blade into her flesh. 

_ I killed her. I really did.  _

My hands were covered by red, her blood. I was covered in the fluid of what had kept that girl alive, and I didn’t even know her name. God my limbs were shaking. Trauma of murder. If Reiji saw it as evil of me to murder another one of my kind, a human and mortal like me, I could only see it as a sign of compassion too. She had given me her consent, she preferred to die than to live another second with the agony… but maybe I was only trying to find a way to forgive myself further. Find an excuse for my actions.

I walked up the stairs that led me out of the dungeon, and eventually, the light kicked into my tired eyes. The time had entirely been forgotten down there, it was like a dimension of its own. 

And as I was about to head to my room, I rapidly realized that actually, Reiji had not indicated any room for me. I presumed that after all, it must have been the same room as two years ago, but the pain of having to go through the same routine I used to have when living here, it was a way to mentally murder me. 

_ Nothing has changed here.  _

As if the two years I had spent away from the mansion did not even exist, I made my way through the corridors through the sad realization that I remembered, I still remembered every step needed to lead myself to the detested bedroom. 

Once there, I was sighing in frustrated exasperation, closing the door behind me and letting the luxurious view submerge me. That smell of old wood was all too familiar. 

_ It doesn’t matter. I’m. not. staying.  _

Inside, it was obvious that my words were not as convincing as I wanted them to be, but it was somewhat urgent. I needed to believe in myself. I could not stay here, never again. But if I actually wanted to leave, it became equally evident that I would repeat those steps I had successfully planned out two years ago. And that, would certainly not be easy. 

I went to the connected bathroom. The golden details surrounding each corner of every object, the echo of my mere breath, my senses took it all in before I proceeded in removing my clothes. They were so stained by the blood I could not help but feel the slightest tingle of nausea. I threw them away, not wanting to carry the constant reminiscence of the fact that I had killed someone. The water ran in a spurt of hot electricity all over my skin, the sound sharply interrupting the course of my thoughts. I closed my eyes and imagined this being the shower I would usually take back in my apartment in town. 

_ Wine. Cigarettes. Azumi-san. Recovery of the past.  _

I took my time in that bathroom. If I was to come up with a plan to leave, I needed to feel refreshed, energized. The water stopped running and I took ahold of the nearest towel. I encircled my body with the white soft material and looked at the reflection that crossed the glass of the mirror. 

_ That’s one thing they must have changed here. _

I remembered the way violence had been imprinted in each room. Here, the back my skull had once been smashed against the old mirror, all because of one particularly lazy vampire. 

The flash of such a memory crossed my mind with awful intensity. Shuu always had the terrible habit of falling asleep anywhere, and I remembered the way he one night, had been talking in his sleep, looking more pained than usual. He was always peaceful with his music, and it was the first time I saw him so upset and disturbed. He had fallen asleep in the bathroom and when curiosity had managed getting the tiniest bit of his attention, I made the detested mistake of pronouncing his own thoughts and memories out loud. 

 

_ “You terrible woman, what did you hear me say in my sleep?” _

 

_ “I… I’m not sure. You just looked very anxious, you kept asking for a fire to stop. Who…Who’s Yuuma?” _

 

Crashing, breaking, aching ensued. So yes, I had the memories of a lifetime radiating through each room of the mansion. Painful ones that, for some of them were still physically present on my body, and all present in mind. 

Shaking my head, I kept going and dried my hair the best I could, before returning to the bedroom. There, I saw that to my surprise, someone, presumably the servants had left my handbag from when I had run away from Laito the night before. 

_ It’s surprising of them to let me keep my belongings.  _

I checked what was inside and should not have been shocked to see that my phone was long gone. I was however, glad to see that my cigarettes were still there. It was a tiny bit of relief while being surrounded by such darkness. Moving over to that embarrassingly huge closet, I picked the more or less modern clothes that remained, which ended up being a dark skirt and a plain sweater. I was done, and did not hear any noise at all. There was complete silence when I simply stood there in the middle of this huge space. 

_ They might have taken me back right now, but they won’t interrupt me in what I want, what I’m used to after two years of change.  _

I was about to take my cigarette pouch from my bag and move over to the window and balcony, when out of a sudden I heard the evident steps of two vampires. With a rapid turn, I stood there, defensive and looking at the door of my bedroom from afar, like a scared deer waiting for a sign of its predator. 

Why the Sakamakis had the terrifying habit of needing my attendance near them at all times, remained unknown to me. I did not know if they were bored, if it was all games, but one thing was sure, they needed to know how to leave me the fuck alone for at least one moment. However, that did not go as planned, because near my door, I could hear the voices of two brothers whom I did not need to recognize further than this. Ayato and Laito. 


	8. The Triplets

_ “Tch...Laito, you better not be fucking with me, what is it? Why are you dragging me all the way here?! Huh? And stop holding me like this!”  _

_ “Yes yes, don’t worry, you’ll soon see! I’m sure you’ll be very happy with what I found! I wanted to show you before, but it seems like Reiji used my absence to have fun himself~”  _

_ “Reiji? Huh, that megane doesn’t know what fun is… Either way, I swear to God if this is one of your fucked up games again…” _

As soon as I heard them coming closer to my bedroom, I thought my heart was ready to burst out of my chest. I could do nothing but remain all tense, my eyes glued to the door while hoping for the love of God that just  _ maybe _ , they weren’t going to come in. But certainly, the sound of a joyful voice broke all hope and thoughts inside. 

“Bitch-chaaaaaan! We’re coming in~” Laito said, in the most excited of voices. I tried to conceal the amount of anxiety that elevated through my body, but in the end I was almost obliged to let out a short shriek and breath to convey the dissimulated fear. I saw the door slowly open, as if to make the anticipation linger more and more along with the cringy sound of the door squeeze. That’s when Ayato’s voice, raspy and outlined by irritation reached out to his brother. 

“Tch, are you stupid…Chichinashi isn’t in the-...” Oh Ayato did not even have to take a look at me to know what was happening. I presumed, to my fright and horror that his capacity of scent was strong enough to sense my presence. Laito, whom I had already seen with his irritatingly seductive look, did not take my breath away as much as Ayato, since I had, I repeat, already seen him that night in the street. To cross paths with his brother Ayato, whom I hadn’t seen in two years either, built jolts of surging panic inside. I was not ready for whatever was planned. 

_ Laito…Reiji...now Ayato. It’s all so damn scary! _

There was a tiny second though, when Ayato’s emerald eyes glanced at me, the slit of his eyes tightening in what looked like confusion, and then extreme anger. One tiny second. And then, pain.

There was, only black, overwhelming tones of black covering everything. And then, the furious sensation of flames shooting at every inch of my body. I heard a scream so loud, I wondered who could ever let out a voice so powerful and desperate until soon enough I realized that indeed, the one screaming was me. The darkness that had covered my view diminished to dark spots and I slowly came back to my senses. The raw ache I had felt all over my skin was soon pointed at only one part of me. My neck. 

Ayato had, with such vivacity, thrown himself at my neck, his hands first strangling me in fierce pressure, only to bite down on my flesh with what I could never forget as being his fangs. The cruel intensity with which he made the blood spurt out of the punctures only made the pain stronger. This was not because Ayato had not been feeding for two years, this was not because my blood was appealing, this was not because he had been tempted. It was all rage. Proof and punishment for my disappearance. So much rage that it could not be mistaken. 

And my scream only ceased thanks to his brother. Laito walked over with no apparent surprise whatsoever, as if his brother's demeanor had been the most casual and ordinary thing to happen. 

“Ara…Ayato, this is not very fair of you. She’s only just arrived and you make her yours all over again. Aren’t you going to stop feeding? She’s lost a lot of blood already” I could barely hear his words but damn... he was right. Holding on to Ayato’s shoulders for dear life, and at the same time pushing him away, I didn’t know what I was doing. But at that point I only wanted to project the pain I had somewhere else, I could not breathe calmly without wanting to choke on my own pained breath. Such agony that turned my pleas, screams and cries into meaningless actions. Ayato did not listen. If not, I felt the searing pain of his bite turn stronger, deeper. This could easily have threatened my neck to snap in half had he applied just a bit more pressure. 

_ I can’t feel my legs. Fuck, I’m not going to hold on if he keeps hurting me. _

_ “ _ Hey…” Laito lowered his voice slowly, and there was something in it, anger. It could only be detected by an inch, but it surely made me shiver. I only saw him moving closer from the corner of my eyes, the way his slender pale hand took a hold of Ayato’s arm, forcing him physically to comply to his words. “Ayato, you’ve played enough. She’ll die if you keep going, and somehow, that’s not part of what I’ve planned so far.” 

My whole body felt numb to the touch and the hand that held onto my wrist must have used of enormous strength to liberate me from the vampire’s grip, but to me it only felt like a sweet caress. 

I fell back into Laito’s chest. For a few moments I could only hear my own heavy breaths as I focused on standing up straight without the necessity of a vampire’s support. I turned around and saw Ayato, wiping away the red of my blood from his mouth. His eyes burned into mine. 

“You… Tch, if you thought you could simply leave my side and come back after two years, without any repercussions…then fuck were you wrong. This doesn’t even partly make it up for what you’ve done.” 

Ayato let out different grunts to somehow convey the rage he had built up inside. Like a wild animal, he kept his eyes stuck on my form, as if waiting for me to suddenly throw myself back and run away in one split second. But this must have been expected. Ayato, who’s possessiveness was outstanding, had to deal with the fact that someone could survive without him. Someone who had been forced to call him “Ore-sama”, and who appeared to submit to his words no less than two years ago had escaped and survived without him. I could easily picture the way thoughts of murdering me for my so called betrayal must have hit the depth of his thoughts several times. 

“Bitch-chan...are you okay?” Laito who was behind me, let his fingertips lightly touch the wound on my neck. I hissed as soon as the contact was made, but not because of the pain. Because of him. “Aah...no need to play tough Bitch-chan, Ayato certainly made a mess of your neck. Are you proud of yourself?” He asked, looking over at his brother.

“Shut up! You were the one to take me here. How long has she been hiding in this mansion?”

Laito chuckled while licking the small trace of blood on his finger. Those emerald eyes were bright, so bright, but no liveliness in them was visible. “Not long ago. But it seems like Reiji struggled to be patient.” As we made eye contact I could already foreshadow his questioning. “What have the two of you been doing together?”

The loud banging sound against the door interrupted this much sinister conversation. With a panicked twitch, we all followed the origin of the noise, only to meet the eyes of another Sakamaki. With his light pale hair that almost turned lilac, the sharp gaze and teddy bear in hand ; the sound of his name played on my lips. 

_ Kanato.  _

His eyes never left mine and the tone he used almost made me yelp in fear. “It wasn’t only Reiji and her down there in the dungeon” Kanato said.

Ayato groaned again. It felt all so overwhelming. The signs, the breaths, the words of three vampires, of the triplets in one and only room. I could feel the pressure of their beings, the way their eyes all landed on my form in the end.

“What do you mean? Was Chichinashi with them too?” The vampire asked. The air was suddenly not enough anymore. The questions and Laito’s voice all worked like a resonance in my head. I could no longer focus. Only rapid images of the rusty knife. Her blood. Her face. Her death. My breath, too heavy. The only thing I could hear. 

“Oooi..Bitch-chan, anyone there?” Laito’s hand was waving in front of my face, his eyes indicating confusion as much as amusement. I slowly shook my head, looking straight ahead while ignoring once more, the sound of that girl’s screams in mind. “Now now, Bitch-chan, Kanato here says that you killed her. Is that right?”

_ I killed her. For her well being. That doesn’t...make sense.  _

Maybe Reiji was right. Was it diabolical of me, to murder another one of my kind? But it wasn’t my intention. My intention was to help her. She told me to kill her. Why was I doubtful now, it was too late. Anger, so much anger in me.

“Wh..Why do you care? You’ve been going on about Bitch-chan and Chichinashi. Did anyone here even know her name? What was her name?” I shouted out, staring back and forth between the triplets. Ayato was the first one to laugh, placing his hands in his pocket and moving forward. 

“Does a prey even need a name?” He asked. He laughed again and Laito behind him could not conceal another small chuckle of agreement, as if I had been just too stupid to be true. 

“Stop laughing...I’m serious. I killed a blonde girl because she asked me to. She gave me permission to take her life and I don’t even know her name. She’s dead because of what happened to her in this hell with all of you! So tell me her name at least!” My voice broke underneath the pressure of anger. Of hatred. I hated them. They were not human, they were vampires with past human emotions. I knew it was a miracle for me to survive here, and that performing so much rage in front of them was probably as dangerous as physically starting a fight with them. But I, on the other hand, was human. And emotions were what distinguished me as one. 

“No use getting angry Bitch-chan. Let me tell you. A name or not, it doesn’t change much because the poor little Bitch-chan is dead and you are the only reason for it. Blame us all you want, all the so called hell you want, it does not change the fact that you ended her life.” 

_ He’s right. I know he’s right. _

But what about the consequences of one’s actions? There were successions of events that led us to this, and the Sakamakis were all involved in it. 

“Okay I’m done with this. I’ll kill her if I hear another of her words. I’m leaving.” Ayato said, sighing before stepping out of the room. Soon enough, it was Laito that disappeared in the blink of an eye and I ended up facing Kanato, who had not moved away from the door up to this point. 

Something warm was running down my cheeks. I pressed my forearm against my eyes, brushing away those tears of frustration. 

_ It had to come out at some point.  _

Now, Kanato approached and held tightly onto his precious Teddy. He was so slow in his movements and looking at him like this, in total silence, I could not believe that such a pure looking boy could contain such dreadful thoughts. Thoughts of darkness he had expressed before. “ I’ll tell you. Her name was Yui. Yui-san was sweet. Very sweet” He said. I breathed out heavily, as if the mere fact of giving that girl a name projected more humanity into her than before. 

_ Yui. Yui. Yui.  _

“T..thank you...Kanato” I said. He, however, quickly took over the rhythm of the conversation.

“It’s all I have of her to remember, do you know why Yuki-san?” He began in such a sweet voice that did not match the cruelty of his gaze. I shook my head, doing anything in mind to stop him from so deeply scaring me. “Because as a punishment for you, Reiji toyed with her. Yui-san was so ugly when I saw her. Disfigured, bleeding from everywhere. I can not make a doll of her with such an ugly face. If you hadn’t run away that time, none of this would have happened. As Laito said, it’s all your fault in the end.”


	9. Between the dream and the reality is the memory

The triplets disappeared as fast as they had arrived, leaving me in need of fresh and new oxygen. Spending time with them was like cutting my breath short, fearing to inhale what fueled me to keep going. 

_ Air... Air. I need air. _

I hastily held on to the window, opening it and nearly jumping over to the balcony. The fresh temperature was raw on my skin, I really needed to sense something to wake me up from what had just happened. 

_ Jesus. Kanato, right in front of my face. Ayato at my neck. With Laito, the triplets were here just a minute ago.  _

I coughed, waiting for a small tingle of nausea to either leave or take over my shivering body. So much darkness emanated from them that it only made one really sick. Letting my hand reach the side of my neck, I felt the pulsing wound in between my fingers, the blood which attempt was to dry and heal the rest of the injury. I despised this disappointment inside. I clearly remembered, how, the past three months after my escaping, I had made the oath never to be bitten by a vampire again. 

And not even twenty minutes ago, that one and same sensation of crackling fire and pain against my skin woke me up from my futile dreams. Dreams that somehow had persuaded me that I was safe, when clearly after running away, I had never been more in danger. 

I made my way back and forth from my room to the balcony ; first in an attempt to think while aimlessly pacing around, then to grab my cigarettes. I don’t remember rolling one so fast or in such hurry, but the simple intake of smoke immediately seemed to turn my muscles to mush. I relaxed and supported my body against the railing of the balcony. 

Instead of letting my eyes wandering through the stars of the night, I should have gone to sleep, I really should have. But God was I afraid. Surprised that I had not dropped my cigarette through the shaking of my body, I could only look up at the sky and try my best to relax. 

_ What should I expect? Are they taking me back to school? Am I to be tortured physically next time? _

It was all so unsure, which is why the first thought of making up a plan to escape seemed to distance itself further. How was I supposed to run away when I knew nothing of those vampires’ movements and intentions? 

Watching the abstract shape of the smoke rising slowly reminded me of the time spent back in town, as if now, the only thing I had in order to comfort myself was the memory. Holding on to the past to survive the future, seemed extraordinarily impossible...and rather stupid.

_ Reiji said I was still a sacrificial bride. Which means I’m not a prisoner, technically I have my minimum of free will. My proper role is to feed the Sakamakis’ amusement.  _

And yes, it was a bit reassuring to know that I had the  _ right  _ to move around in the mansion. However, I could not guarantee what might happen if I accidentally was to stumble upon a vampire in the hallways. I wondered then, how other sacrificial brides might have handled it in the past. Yui, through her shy demeanor, had more will to fight than expected. So while the second passed, I found it intriguing. But the question ceased because after all, I was in the present, and Yui was dead. Was I perhaps, to honor her memory? And not only of her...I questioned the number of sacrificial brides that were once in this exact room, along with those who presumably had not even made it past the main entrance. 

_ I’ll imagine them watching over me. They’re now counting on me. _

I threw the end of my cigarette away, imagining it hit the grass downstairs with subtle motion and just the amount of sound necessary to avoid having a vampire being awoken by such a concealed noise.

The immense cold instructed me to go inside. It became uncomfortable after a while as the shivers turned violent against my skin. I went inside, closing the window behind me and pulled myself into the enormous king sized bed. 

_ I can hate them as much as I want, but I gotta admit that the bed is really comfortable. _

Was it tiredness speaking to me? Directing my opinions? It did not matter much, because eventually sleep fell right over me like a dark cloak, covering me from head to toe. I had not slept ever since Reiji had led me to the dungeon, and I had definitely lost notion of time since, before my eyes entirely shut down, I could have sworn that the faintest ray of sun penetrated the uncovered part of the window.  _ Oh well. _

My dreams had a tendency to always be quite realistic, in the sense that I nearly always found myself in a past and familiar situation. Small details would change, but it was often a resemblance to real life. I suppose that sometimes, my dreams were a perfect mirror of past reality. 

_ “Subaru? It’s not even night time…” _

_ Near the huge window, where the sun illuminated the sight of the pale vampire. Strands of his hair were like silver, though what I often saw as blood red eyes, now turned soft and pink. He was sitting by that window, gazing over to the dark forest and probably further, a sight infinite to him.  _

_ “And you’re not supposed to walk around the mansion like this without reason. You’ll get killed before you even realize it.” _

_ Why did it always feel like he...somehow cared? Though I was perfectly aware that he didn’t, I just could never stop myself from thinking that Subaru was not like his brothers.  _

_ “Are you the one who’s going to kill me?” _

_ “I’m not saying that. You’ve probably noticed my brothers are psychos, Laito will rip your throat out for fun.” _

_ “Are you saying I should feel safe by your side?”  _

_ A hand to my throat, back pressed against the floor. Pinned down. No air.  _

_ “If you sincerely believe that, then you must be pretty damn stupid.” He sighs. “I could easily kill you, don’t blind yourself. Just because I’m not playful like some of my brothers doesn’t mean shit.”He lets go eventually. I can stand up, though my muscles tremble in need of oxygen. “Why aren’t you trying to run away? Haven’t you been tortured enough?” _

_ “Are you serious? You have been torturing me for weeks, all of you...Suddenly you want me to escape?” _

_ “Again, don’t kid yourself. I don’t care, whether you stay or not, whether I end up killing you or not. I-don’t-care.”He’s pacing. Back and forth. Mumbling words to himself. His hand grab something near his waist. A shimmer in the daylight. “If you end up running away, take this. It’s a silver knife. The only thing that could kill a vampire.” _

_ The knife is against my palm, shining and oh so empowering.  _

_ “I don’t...I don’t understand. Why would you give me the one thing that could kill you? Is this some kind of game, some kind of plan? _

_ With one hand, the male ends up pressing the tip of the knife against his chest, never letting go of my hand.  _

_ “Eventually, if you wish for it, kill me with that knife. It wouldn’t be any less bothering than this life already is.” _

_ The sky is above us, above the mansion. No one is awake, for all of us wait for night school. Subaru is the only one by my side, offering me the possibility to end his immortal life.  _


	10. Ice Cold

“Oi..”

“Oi..how long are you gonna be sleeping? Ah...I suppose you still are as boring as before…”

I woke up hastily, those words dragging me out of my sleep, only to open my eyes and thus closing them to the possibility of my dream. Everything was so blurry, it was impossible for me to picture whether this person I heard was actually there or not. But I only had to hear a small change, a little detail and unnecessary fragment of sound to let my heart jump out of my chest and actually wake me up in a torrent of unknown. 

_ The background noise. Music from earphones.  _

It was Shuu. I didn’t realize yet how I could have neglected those blue eyes. Blue and icy eyes. So cold. So distant. So captivating. 

“S..Shuu. What are you doing here?” My voice was so frail, not much of an intimidating character. I rose from my bed, watching him sitting at the edge of it, only staring at me from the side. 

“I could ask you the same thing. I thought you had finally run away from us. And here I find you, sleeping and mumbling about my brother Subaru...heh, you really have not changed.” 

Something like red velvet cream covered my cheeks as I suffered again from the same things the brothers put me through. Misinterpretation. I left my bed, knowing that Shuu was never truly the type to chase me down the hallways. No, he was way too lazy for that. 

“That’s nonsense. And I did stay away for two years, did I not? If only your stupid brother had chosen not to be in the same street as me, I would not be here” I said, while my hands went up to my hair to tie it up in a ponytail. I ruffled through some clothes on the ground, not able to find my pouch of tobacco. 

“I didn’t know you started smoking. How foul…” Before he even finished, I threw myself over to his hand, the one holding the small pouch. He was, obviously, so much stronger, that I should have known my actions were futile in any case. “Heh...you don’t seem like the type to put this in your lungs.” In one fair shot I jumped up to my cigarettes and snatched them away from him, realizing that he seemed lazier than usual. 

“I could not care less. You might have taken me back here, but I won’t let go of the one thing keeping me sane. Bonus would be that my blood alters in taste” I replied in a hint of irony. However, as I just came to my senses, the bright of day was not there, shining through the glass of the window. 

“Huh…? I was so sure it was still day time...How long did I sleep? The only source of light came from the moon, and the multitude of stars working like the freckles of night’s face. 

“Through the whole day. We have school in a while” Shuu said through a sigh. Something pulsed within me.  _ Reiji will torture me if I’m late.  _ But the vampire was quick in reading my thoughts. “Don’t worry, they just started dinner, you have time.”

“Why aren’t you in the dining room then?” I asked. The male closed his eyes as if keeping those eyelids open required  _ so _ much energy. 

“Too bothersome. And seeing those jealous gazes while I walked to your room was definitely satisfactory.” I walked over to where there was my uniform, the fabric did not change, nor the smell of the clothing. So familiar, and yet so repulsive. “Moreover...you’re the dinner either way.”

Freeze.  _ You are dinner.  _ I grasped the fabric in my fist, holding it on so tight while analyzing whether the blond was serious or not. Interpretation, was key. Necessary and still so damn dangerous if wrong. Whether he was joking or not, whether he was thirsty for blood or not, it was a hidden dialogue between two beings. Hunter and hunted. The lion and the lamb. Predator and prey. 

I turned around, letting my vision be confronted with the shape of him, sitting so comfortably on this bed, without any physical sign of threat and still ; his dark aura crept up all the way behind my back in motions of shivers. 

And in one second, in front of me. Burning cold eyes meeting mine, breath so harshly sweet against my own, a mumble invisible and shared between us. The sight of sharp fangs, of my pulsing neck, still healing from an earlier attack. All so sudden and still so graphic and vivid in mind. 

“You killed that other bride.” 

Stating the facts, mirroring my mistakes within the reflection of his eyes. I saw her, I saw her curls again, her pink pearled eyes. Her hands on my hair, holding on for dear life as I plunged death into her chest. 

“W...what of it?” 

“I neglected what’s inside you. I didn’t think you were able to do such a thing, and still, that only makes me crave you more” Those were the last words I heard before feeling his hand take mine, biting directly into my wrist. 

“Ah, ngh, stop!” It hurt. So so much. And yet, as those fangs slowly broke down into the flesh, I was reminded of the pleasure of pain. Being bitten by Shuu, was an exquisite poison that made me numb all over, without the fear of throwing up. I was to suffer while being drowned in pleasure. 

He did not suck my blood too long. Only enough for me to become hot all over. Then he stopped, a form of guarantee that I would crawl back to him, find my way to where he would hide. He licked his lips, letting go of my arm that so easily lost control.

“Don’t use this as an excuse to pass out at school. My brothers will be watching you closely. Running away, was presumably the worst thing you could have done.” He leaned in to my ear. “You don’t escape from us. You’ll always end up here, in front of me, begging for mercy and for more.” 

 


End file.
